I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
