I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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