I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Randomize
