Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize