I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
