dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I feel great
I just peed on a car
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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