so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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