Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
