pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
