I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
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