I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
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