I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Randomize
