I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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