I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
