Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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