Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Holy sore nipples Batman
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
