I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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