I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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