I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
