you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
