i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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