Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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