I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
