I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
