I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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