I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Randomize
