We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Randomize
