I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
porn star boner night. come get it.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Randomize
