Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
