i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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