Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
