Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
