My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
