is your mom at the bar?
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
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