two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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