8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
