I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
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