Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
