Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
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