By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
