Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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