I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
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