The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize