Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Randomize
