I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
