mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
