Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
