I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Randomize
