i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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