you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Randomize
