I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
