By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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