I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
