I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
