I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
splinters make it hard to masturbate
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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