guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Randomize
