do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize