you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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