i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
